Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
