Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
