Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
