It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
