I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
