All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
