i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
