no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
