I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
