I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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