wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish you could order shots online.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
