If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
