I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
