Your dad touched me again.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
