i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
