I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
