It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
