Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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