i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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