6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
