Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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