If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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