Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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