What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
