I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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