I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
