That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
