This girl is more easily done than said...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
