Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
