bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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