I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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