Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
