I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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