y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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