Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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