and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
