her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
