it's too hot outside to masturbate.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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