My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
