all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
