He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
