I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
