i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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