Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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