Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
