How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
