Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
