i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
