I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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