That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
