he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
