Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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