i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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