There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
