I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
