also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
