But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
